Swallowing My Truth


So.

My life seems to be a constant work in progress; and that’s the only constant- change.  Why can’t I establish and maintain routines? I hear about people doing something for 3, 10, 50 years and I wonder if I’ll ever get any longevity out of my own behavior and life. But wait- would I even like that? Maybe I subconsciously sabotage myself. I’m sure that has to be part of it. Consistency is an enemy that I long for. I hate you, you boring old wretch…but I need you, please stay. 

I’ve got to reevaluate my station. Where am I at and where do I want to be? 

I’ve been feeling this deep itch that I’m supposed to be doing more with my life than I am; that I should be working on moving mountains,  not just keeping the house clean. But I’ve come to realize that my purpose is these kids and this family. Does that mean I ignore myself and my needs? No, it just means I need to relax and go with the flow right now. I can’t even narrow what I want to do down to 5 things…I’m obviously not ready to start doing it. I’m pressuring myself and I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to pressure, so why would I do it to myself?! 

Raising these kids gives me time rather than steals it. I won’t be “used up” or too old by the time I get myself back. I will merely be READY. PREPARED. SURE OF MYSELF.  

Being a stay at home mom will show me which way I want to go rather than cloud it. 

This is good. I’m very grateful and fortunate not only to have this time,  but to have realized that I have it.  

I had a cute little blog a couple years back, I enjoyed it. I would make my little projects,  show them off, feel good, it was good. I need to get back to that place. That’s why I’m here now,  I need to chronicle something cool and feel good about it. I also need to get on myself to start making again,  what better way to motivate or have reason, but a blog?  (Crap. I really hope I don’t say this and then dissappear again. It’s embarrassing. )

So, I will be here to share. From the privacy of my anonymous blog, because I don’t share on social media because it creeps me out. I gotta share with someone I suppose. 

Some things on my mind to look out for:

  • Amigurumi & other crochet 
  • Cheap DIY and make it yourself type projects
  • Random crap from my head
  • Tarot and other mystical things
  • My progress and thoughts on becoming a person

More to come.

Please bear with my random writing. ..maybe I’ll get better.

Yours Truly, ElleDee  ❤

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